The Cult of Kenny Rogers

No doubt about it, I love me some Kenny Rogers. I'd rather listen to Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town than almost anything, even if Kenny's lyrics leave me a little choked up. One of the finest moments in The Big Lebowski is the montage featuring Kenny's First Edition hit Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In). Heck, I've been known to rock out to the Islands In The Stream clip on YouTube.

But every now and again, in my never ending quest to view every last entry in Wikipedia, I'll run into a fairly recent picture of Kenny. I can't decide if I'm more disturbed by the burn victim look of his skin or the crazy eyes. Those eyes freak me out. Kenny says they freak him out, too. Turns out, his eyelids are stretched so tight he has a hard time blinking.

Damn.

I know one thing. I haven't seen a case of the crazy eyes quite so bad since cult leader Marshall Applewhite made the news for convincing 38 of his followers to poison themselves so they could ascend their bodies and chase after a comet.

Now, as far as I know, Kenny's never tried to poison anybody, but I did have a wicked case of the shits after eating at a Kenny Rogers Roasters once in the nineties, so beware the next time you're in a far flung corner of the world where one of Kenny's eateries is still in business.

I really think Kenny could learn a thing or two from fellow aging country star Hank Williams Jr. No, I'm not talking about revitalizing his career by rewriting one of his former hits as a psycho propaganda tune.

Instead, like Hank, Kenny needs a permanent pair of $10 truck stop sunglasses. Hank has rarely been seen without his since smacking his head while rock climbing in the seventies. Maybe that traumatic brain injury partially accounts for his fucked up world view. I'd bet a look behind those sunglasses would reveal the craziest eyes of all. (As I watched the above clip, I quietly prayed for Hank to ingest some of Kenny's shit storm-inducing chicken and a big vat of cult-leader-approved cyanide-laced Kool-Aid.)

But, back to my point. Sunglasses, Kenny. Invest in some, and the rest of us will continue to enjoy your countrified easy listening jams in peace.